It's OK to Cry

            Have you ever had one of those days where things were not going well for you and the only thing that made you feel better was a good cry?  Babies have days like that, too.  Our culture focuses so much on getting our babies to stop crying that we forget that maybe what they need most is a chance to cry.  Think about it.  During the first few months babies are adjusting to life outside the womb.  There are bright lights, strange noises and bodily functions that they didn’t have to deal with before they were born.  On top of that, they no longer have the rocking motion and feeling of protection that they had in the womb.  Sometimes babies just need to vent about their frustrations with this new world.

            So am I telling you to let your baby Cry It Out?  Not at all.  The Cry It Out method recommends that you leave your baby to cry alone.  What I am suggesting is that if other methods such as feeding or changing your baby have not calmed her down and you know that she is not sick, she may just want you to sit and hold her while she cries.  You can try laying her on your chest for some skin to skin contact or just hold her and talk to her as she cries. 

            Sitting with your baby while she cries may also lower your stress.  Much of the stress from a crying baby comes from a parent’s worry that they must get their baby to stop crying.  If you are able to let go of the misguided notion that you can and must solve all of your baby’s struggles, you will also be less stressed.  Since babies can sense our stress, your lower stress level may also lower hers. 

            As you sit there calmly with your baby, she will learn that you will always be there for her even if you can’t make her feel better.  You may find that she will continue to come to you for comfort as she gets older when she falls or a friend hurts her feelings.  By simply sitting with your baby, you are creating a bond with her that will last a lifetime.

All You Need is Love

Our culture wants every parent to believe that children need perfect parents who endlessly entertain their children and protect them from all struggles.  Parents have absorbed this view of parenthood and stress that they are failing their children if they cannot provide the "ideal" life for them.  But, fortunately, the truth is that when it comes to parenting, as John Lennon said, “All you need is love.”

I was reminded the other day while reading, “Welcome to Your Child’s Brain”, about the good enough parent.  This idea of the good enough parent started with D.W. Winicott’s theory of the good enough mother.  As a child psychoanalyst, Winicott observed many mothers interacting with their babies.  He found that none of the mothers were perfect and still were doing a great job raising their children.  All of the children were securely attached to their mothers.  The mothers responded lovingly to their children, but also took breaks when they were burnt out.

Trying to be a “perfect” parent creates an unhealthy environment for children.  These children never learn about disappointment, failure or loss since their parents are always trying to protect them from it.  Being able to handle disappointment and failure are necessary skills for real life.  So when you want to save your child from the frustration of solving a puzzle or you worry that you should play with your child instead of sitting and taking a break, step back and take a deep breath.  You will save your sanity which will make you a great parent!